CHEATED ON- the last time.

He was in Germany with that woman. She confirmed. Something made me look on her IG page. she was posting subliminal messages obviously to mock me. As usual he denied, mocked me threatened with some BS about what i got on you you will hate yourself- ok kool. I have been so pure with this guy past year. I wanted to cheat to make myself feel better but never happened. only thing he may have is the DC thing wich is part of life. its done so whateva. and again he was behind it. I learnt my lesson.

bottom line is i was battling myself since vegas. for me that took me to the pit. the bottom of my limits. I wasn't feeling right and I can't see myself being happy with him again after that. There wasa block in my heart. He betrayed my trust again and the way i feared he would. then Germany. i dont care what he says- he was with her.too many discrepancies. and even IF he wasn't sleeping with her- how did she get the kids bday cake pic? He felt it was ok to carry on the friendship; against my respect right? no more. then she insulted me, in all sorts of ways. Its ok. know who I a. those words are what will make me stronger, I need no part in all of that. it took all of this low down to get there but i WILL be strong this time.
Im kind of numb but lifemust go on.

even if i never date again, its better than to be with someone who walks all over you and does things that demean you.

i kept digging cos something was off- the constant speech, the hiding of my presence in his life, the cards, phone always buzzing middle of night. Then i had hard prrof. Him calling eneida, max int he room. card from christina alva. I wasn't crazy. I wanted to trust him but he wasn't trustworthy. its so bad i dont even wish him good right now. lord help me.

i feel like ive lost my focus generally. Thats what i want back. Me.

this week:
no social media
work out
schoolwork
get back on tv shows

day 20- learning to accespt,

I look back think back, replay conversations, issues. Look I felt he was a good fit for me. he always had a  block on that regarding myself. End of the day there is nothing I could have done to change that. The best person I know how to be is me. And if someone  can't love that, that's fine. I can love me enough for everyone, or maybe God-willing, someone out there will love me the way I am and see me as a good fit for them.

What hurts about that is you wish someone had been honest 100% and not strung u along as they figured that out clearly and in turn wasted my time and emotions to feed their temporary needs , whateva those were.

But life will go on. One day this will be another blurry memory. It sucks all the same.

Day 19

Next relationship will be my last. It shall find me and not end.

#statisticnomore

1. Ask all questions initially
2. Don't give too much
3. State my expectations... STABILITY
4. NO BULLSHIT
5. Don't tell anyone until 3 months in.
6. Don't meet Shami until I'm sure of intent.

Day 18 .. inner low

IDK why I just feel low today. I don't even know why. Cant put my finger on it. I just want to go home and sleep in my walls. I think in replaying things and evaluating my past (recent) I realize I was powerless. Its almost like my fate was predetermined before I even lived it. You give so much of yourself thinking its the thing to do. It actually isn't. If you're doomed to be a side chic, a plaything, a time pusher, nothing you do will change that. A person will never shift their value or plan for you just because you're "mad cool".

I realize how much I hated being called "my friend". how i hated hearing statements like "we're cool". "we're hanging out". like I was one of the boys. why couldn't you call me "girlfriend?" , "my woman". why was I not present anywhere in your online life. that shit hurts. I was a hidden secret, like someone wasn't proud of what they were doing with me, like I didn't fit into their vision of a partner, so they couldn't display me. THAT is what's eating me. I was just never going to be on the "level" to be accepted. I didn't ask for any of that. I was just doing my life and someone walks into my path to rip my self confidence apart. why? I remember a time I used to pray thanking God cos  I believed that was the love I wanted from another. no it wasn't.

then you realize after 4 years you weren't shit still.

that's what is stabbing me deep down now. that realization. and aint shit I can do about it. Life got me already.


wuri.

Day 12

This week hasnt been good.

Im just angry. At everything. This muthafucker knew he had no plans to ever have a plan.  Took advantage of my love and used it to keep himself satisfied.  it was selfish and unfair. Did i not look like i deserved the next level??

All so fucked up.

Yes im partially to blame.  Why did i keep allowing it?

Cos i hoped one day he'd see more than the now with me.

Love aint shit!

Day 11... it hit me emotionally

Week's goals:
Exercise
TAPE
Dont deny feelings
No snap / IG
Contain temper

I feel sad!

day 6- so many emotions

Why do I feel bad? Why do I even care? I ACTUALLY wonder if he gets why I walked away? that it wasn't an instant decision. That hearing "I'm not ready" conversation after conversation every few months left me with nothing to fight for. What he got to know of me after 4 years was never changing. I had shown all sides of me.

He was never going to be ready. I could have came on a silver platter- he was NEVER going to want to give me more than "now". When I think of that my heart sinks. I feel regret. I question life, I question myself. Was I stupid for keeping a hope alive? who knows.

All I know is the answer was just never changing. I do not ever want to know about his future relationships either. I gave way too much to him.

all I pray for now Is that definitive relationship finally. A relationship where one day I can:
post pics of us anywhere
can all a man my boyfriend with confidence
can attend functions with my man hand in hand
make real asset moves together
to have financial support from him
to never question if he will be there tomorrow even if we fight
to get to know his parents, and have them show my child love
if he has kids to meet the baby's mother and have  a cordial relationship
***To know and trust the love he has****

to never feel like a 3rd wheel!!!

The last goodbye... day 4

4 years later. Not much changed.

Sad day.  Filled with regret.

Can't change the past though. Im a person who when i allow people in I like to believe they are right for  me.

I probably need to start setting expectations clear from the jump.

Breaking up isn't easy, especially if you operated on a real hope for that happy ending, but have to accept its just not there. 

Id have never known. 

I can't deal with rudo and her negative cynicism right now. I don't think i ever flaunted any relationship to her. The fault has  always been within me of talking too much.

Ive learnt to cut back on disclosing personal info. Pple dont really want to know. Also not all that feels good on the surface is necessarily good. I had hope

I believed in signs and all that.  Its whateva now. 

Day 4: views on religion

Everyone lives by some form of belief system, be it christian, Hinduism, muslim etc. I feel religion gives us a sense of purpose and clarifies our existence on earth and in life. I feel for me, religion is my go to when i need strength in hard times, clarity in good times and just purpose daily. For me religion also brings me back to me when the world around me seems to be curving in.

Day 3: 5 pet peeves

Lying
Disloyalty
Arrogance
Narrow mindedness
Insensitivity

Day 2: Where I'd like to be in 10 years

Working as a consultant or possibly some other fulfilling interactive role that presents stature and fulfillment for me financially, socially and emotionally.  I hope and will be in a fulfilling happy stable relationship.  Maybe even married. Shami will be in college at Georgetown, notre dame or penn state. God willing I would like to have another child by then. I may not be living in DMV anymore. I might either be living in New York or Miami. Either way i will own my home.

30 day blog

Current relationship : well...... Ive soent 3 yrs in this on again off again situation which provided no guarantees and Lord knows why i stuck with it. Happiness has been momentary and periodic. Hes lied, cheated, deceived and abused me. I have responded with the same behaviors too which i hate cos its not who I am.

Ive always felt insecure with him. Like i wasn't good enough. That came from the initial things hed say to me that he cldnt commit. It created doubts about his feelings for me from very early on. I made the mistake of never setting boundaries, allowed himto run circles in my life and my heart. I suppose it became an accepted pattern.

I am ready to bid it farewell. The guy's not loyal to me. His love is conditional. He handles conflict by gas lighting and he manipulates a situation to avoid being accountable. Hes never been there for me emotionally. The real question lately for me has been what am i holding onto? This guy no longer represents my understanding and vision of love and relationships.

I tried the talking time and time again and ot fell on deaf ears. Wont even bother with that.

Last straw.... one of his other women attacked  me, he didn't bother to fully address the issue to my level of comfort. Instead he disappeared after flipping the blame.

Enough is enough. For me the journey has been long over.

Ive made a lot of horrible choices in the name of pain, irrationality and anger cos of him. Hes not worth any of that. After all there were never any guarantees.

I therefore do not have a relationship anymore. I wonder what single life will bringe here on.