Day 18 .. inner low

IDK why I just feel low today. I don't even know why. Cant put my finger on it. I just want to go home and sleep in my walls. I think in replaying things and evaluating my past (recent) I realize I was powerless. Its almost like my fate was predetermined before I even lived it. You give so much of yourself thinking its the thing to do. It actually isn't. If you're doomed to be a side chic, a plaything, a time pusher, nothing you do will change that. A person will never shift their value or plan for you just because you're "mad cool".

I realize how much I hated being called "my friend". how i hated hearing statements like "we're cool". "we're hanging out". like I was one of the boys. why couldn't you call me "girlfriend?" , "my woman". why was I not present anywhere in your online life. that shit hurts. I was a hidden secret, like someone wasn't proud of what they were doing with me, like I didn't fit into their vision of a partner, so they couldn't display me. THAT is what's eating me. I was just never going to be on the "level" to be accepted. I didn't ask for any of that. I was just doing my life and someone walks into my path to rip my self confidence apart. why? I remember a time I used to pray thanking God cos  I believed that was the love I wanted from another. no it wasn't.

then you realize after 4 years you weren't shit still.

that's what is stabbing me deep down now. that realization. and aint shit I can do about it. Life got me already.


wuri.