Wednesday, August 16, 2017

day 6- so many emotions

Why do I feel bad? Why do I even care? I ACTUALLY wonder if he gets why I walked away? that it wasn't an instant decision. That hearing "I'm not ready" conversation after conversation every few months left me with nothing to fight for. What he got to know of me after 4 years was never changing. I had shown all sides of me.

He was never going to be ready. I could have came on a silver platter- he was NEVER going to want to give me more than "now". When I think of that my heart sinks. I feel regret. I question life, I question myself. Was I stupid for keeping a hope alive? who knows.

All I know is the answer was just never changing. I do not ever want to know about his future relationships either. I gave way too much to him.

all I pray for now Is that definitive relationship finally. A relationship where one day I can:
post pics of us anywhere
can all a man my boyfriend with confidence
can attend functions with my man hand in hand
make real asset moves together
to have financial support from him
to never question if he will be there tomorrow even if we fight
to get to know his parents, and have them show my child love
if he has kids to meet the baby's mother and have  a cordial relationship
***To know and trust the love he has****

to never feel like a 3rd wheel!!!

Image result for if i could get that true happy love

Monday, August 14, 2017

The last goodbye... day 4

4 years later. Not much changed.

Sad day.  Filled with regret.

Can't change the past though. Im a person who when i allow people in I like to believe they are right for  me.

I probably need to start setting expectations clear from the jump.

Breaking up isn't easy, especially if you operated on a real hope for that happy ending, but have to accept its just not there. 

Id have never known. 

I can't deal with rudo and her negative cynicism right now. I don't think i ever flaunted any relationship to her. The fault has  always been within me of talking too much.

Ive learnt to cut back on disclosing personal info. Pple dont really want to know. Also not all that feels good on the surface is necessarily good. I had hope
I believed in signs and all that.  Its whateva now. 

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Day 4: views on religion

Everyone lives by some form of belief system, be it christian, Hinduism, muslim etc. I feel religion gives us a sense of purpose and clarifies our existence on earth and in life. I feel for me, religion is my go to when i need strength in hard times, clarity in good times and just purpose daily. For me religion also brings me back to me when the world around me seems to be curving in.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Day 3: 5 pet peeves

Lying
Disloyalty
Arrogance
Narrow mindedness
Insensitivity

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Day 2: Where I'd like to be in 10 years

Working as a consultant or possibly some other fulfilling interactive role that presents stature and fulfillment for me financially, socially and emotionally.  I hope and will be in a fulfilling happy stable relationship.  Maybe even married. Shami will be in college at Georgetown, notre dame or penn state. God willing I would like to have another child by then. I may not be living in DMV anymore. I might either be living in New York or Miami. Either way i will own my home.

Friday, January 27, 2017

30 day blog

Current relationship : well...... Ive soent 3 yrs in this on again off again situation which provided no guarantees and Lord knows why i stuck with it. Happiness has been momentary and periodic. Hes lied, cheated, deceived and abused me. I have responded with the same behaviors too which i hate cos its not who I am.

Ive always felt insecure with him. Like i wasn't good enough. That came from the initial things hed say to me that he cldnt commit. It created doubts about his feelings for me from very early on. I made the mistake of never setting boundaries, allowed himto run circles in my life and my heart. I suppose it became an accepted pattern.

I am ready to bid it farewell. The guy's not loyal to me. His love is conditional. He handles conflict by gas lighting and he manipulates a situation to avoid being accountable. Hes never been there for me emotionally. The real question lately for me has been what am i holding onto? This guy no longer represents my understanding and vision of love and relationships.

I tried the talking time and time again and ot fell on deaf ears. Wont even bother with that.

Last straw.... one of his other women attacked  me, he didn't bother to fully address the issue to my level of comfort. Instead he disappeared after flipping the blame.

Enough is enough. For me the journey has been long over.

Ive made a lot of horrible choices in the name of pain, irrationality and anger cos of him. Hes not worth any of that. After all there were never any guarantees.

I therefore do not have a relationship anymore. I wonder what single life will bringe here on.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016