Wednesday, August 16, 2017
He was never going to be ready. I could have came on a silver platter- he was NEVER going to want to give me more than "now". When I think of that my heart sinks. I feel regret. I question life, I question myself. Was I stupid for keeping a hope alive? who knows.
All I know is the answer was just never changing. I do not ever want to know about his future relationships either. I gave way too much to him.
all I pray for now Is that definitive relationship finally. A relationship where one day I can:
post pics of us anywhere
can all a man my boyfriend with confidence
can attend functions with my man hand in hand
make real asset moves together
to have financial support from him
to never question if he will be there tomorrow even if we fight
to get to know his parents, and have them show my child love
if he has kids to meet the baby's mother and have a cordial relationship
***To know and trust the love he has****
to never feel like a 3rd wheel!!!
Monday, August 14, 2017
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Everyone lives by some form of belief system, be it christian, Hinduism, muslim etc. I feel religion gives us a sense of purpose and clarifies our existence on earth and in life. I feel for me, religion is my go to when i need strength in hard times, clarity in good times and just purpose daily. For me religion also brings me back to me when the world around me seems to be curving in.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Working as a consultant or possibly some other fulfilling interactive role that presents stature and fulfillment for me financially, socially and emotionally. I hope and will be in a fulfilling happy stable relationship. Maybe even married. Shami will be in college at Georgetown, notre dame or penn state. God willing I would like to have another child by then. I may not be living in DMV anymore. I might either be living in New York or Miami. Either way i will own my home.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Current relationship : well...... Ive soent 3 yrs in this on again off again situation which provided no guarantees and Lord knows why i stuck with it. Happiness has been momentary and periodic. Hes lied, cheated, deceived and abused me. I have responded with the same behaviors too which i hate cos its not who I am.
Ive always felt insecure with him. Like i wasn't good enough. That came from the initial things hed say to me that he cldnt commit. It created doubts about his feelings for me from very early on. I made the mistake of never setting boundaries, allowed himto run circles in my life and my heart. I suppose it became an accepted pattern.
I am ready to bid it farewell. The guy's not loyal to me. His love is conditional. He handles conflict by gas lighting and he manipulates a situation to avoid being accountable. Hes never been there for me emotionally. The real question lately for me has been what am i holding onto? This guy no longer represents my understanding and vision of love and relationships.
I tried the talking time and time again and ot fell on deaf ears. Wont even bother with that.
Last straw.... one of his other women attacked me, he didn't bother to fully address the issue to my level of comfort. Instead he disappeared after flipping the blame.
Enough is enough. For me the journey has been long over.
Ive made a lot of horrible choices in the name of pain, irrationality and anger cos of him. Hes not worth any of that. After all there were never any guarantees.
I therefore do not have a relationship anymore. I wonder what single life will bringe here on.