Everyone lives by some form of belief system, be it christian, Hinduism, muslim etc. I feel religion gives us a sense of purpose and clarifies our existence on earth and in life. I feel for me, religion is my go to when i need strength in hard times, clarity in good times and just purpose daily. For me religion also brings me back to me when the world around me seems to be curving in.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Working as a consultant or possibly some other fulfilling interactive role that presents stature and fulfillment for me financially, socially and emotionally. I hope and will be in a fulfilling happy stable relationship. Maybe even married. Shami will be in college at Georgetown, notre dame or penn state. God willing I would like to have another child by then. I may not be living in DMV anymore. I might either be living in New York or Miami. Either way i will own my home.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Current relationship : well...... Ive soent 3 yrs in this on again off again situation which provided no guarantees and Lord knows why i stuck with it. Happiness has been momentary and periodic. Hes lied, cheated, deceived and abused me. I have responded with the same behaviors too which i hate cos its not who I am.
Ive always felt insecure with him. Like i wasn't good enough. That came from the initial things hed say to me that he cldnt commit. It created doubts about his feelings for me from very early on. I made the mistake of never setting boundaries, allowed himto run circles in my life and my heart. I suppose it became an accepted pattern.
I am ready to bid it farewell. The guy's not loyal to me. His love is conditional. He handles conflict by gas lighting and he manipulates a situation to avoid being accountable. Hes never been there for me emotionally. The real question lately for me has been what am i holding onto? This guy no longer represents my understanding and vision of love and relationships.
I tried the talking time and time again and ot fell on deaf ears. Wont even bother with that.
Last straw.... one of his other women attacked me, he didn't bother to fully address the issue to my level of comfort. Instead he disappeared after flipping the blame.
Enough is enough. For me the journey has been long over.
Ive made a lot of horrible choices in the name of pain, irrationality and anger cos of him. Hes not worth any of that. After all there were never any guarantees.
I therefore do not have a relationship anymore. I wonder what single life will bringe here on.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Embarked on this in october. He made the random attempt to contact me yesterday.., this is my take cos ordinarily it wld have spiraled me into a stupid frenzy of unnecessary responding.
This process truly works. Embarked on it in October and at first it was truly difficult. After months in an emotionally exhausting and confusing situation i pulled the plug on it. Of course he tried the customary comeback and i made it clear i didn't appreciate that. Yes it was someone i had believed might have been an long term option however i had lost cntrol of myself emotionally and otherwise. Fast forward almost 2months later i get a random holiday msg from him, i wasn't even sure i wanted to respond. I simply acknowledged receipt of the message and sd nothing else. As a 100% single person now and after having reflected on my own faults during that period and on past errors i realized i was allowing relationships to be run on other people's terms. If anyone wants to be a part of my life they will have to respect my wishes and come at me more definitively. An error i had repeatedly made and realized during the no contact period. There were habits i have walked away from too and my outlook on relationships has changed and i have made very visible changes to my appearance to fit ME. Anyone fearing no contact i say pray about it daily, feel watever u need to privately, but u wil be glad u stood by this process when the time is up.
Today going on 2 months without real interaction with that ex, i feel like i have made so many positive changes to my life alone and all that i had become slave to i have freed myself. His opinion that mattered so much is now beyond irrelevant. I no longer have the anger, regrets or bitterness i felt initially. I simply a doing me one day at a time. Yes i don't have much going on outwardly and socially, but internally i feel so much more im control. Learning to love myself more daily.
Its not to say my heart is shut on him, i am open to starting over if he approaches me correctly however i do not live by that hope or expectation anymore.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Two months ago i had a lot of stress, anger and confusion. I NEEDED clarity, i NEEDED to feel love, i was insecure, i was needy. My self esteem was lost completely. I felt like the company i kept thought less of me, cldnt claim me, i felt i had to become someone else to be accepted fully. I was irresponsible with my drinking and am paid for it.
Fast forward today, i have learnt to take time for myself. Once a week i take an evening of relaxation and reflect on nothing for the heck of it. I have allowed myself to feel all those negative feelings till i got tired of feeling them and HAD to shift that.
My eagerness to party is next to nil. I really don't drink anymore. I will have one or two celebratory drinks with family or friends but its no longer my thing. I have genuinely began to enjoy my own company and men are no longer a source for my happiness. I am shifting from holding onto past hurts to simply leaving it to God and praying. I am learning to listen whenever communicated to. I take ownership of my faults, and mosy importantly i feel more love for myself.
The very fact that i have reared from sexual needs means spiritually i am reclaiming my soul. It took my being violated by someone i loved to realize my soul is special. I am learning to do things for ME again. To do everything i want when i want, even reclaiming past personal goals, big, small or stupid.
I feel that truly my soul has grown to a whole different level.
I have lost friends, realized those i thought were friends really weren't and have found a new appreciation for the real pple in my life