Thanksgiving... wlda been exactly a year yesterday.

No contact....

Embarked on this in october. He made the random attempt to contact me yesterday.., this is my take cos ordinarily it wld have spiraled me into a stupid frenzy of unnecessary responding.

This process truly works. Embarked on it in October and at first it was truly difficult. After months in an emotionally exhausting and confusing situation i pulled the plug on it. Of course he tried the customary comeback and i made it clear i didn't appreciate that. Yes it was someone i had believed might have been an long term option however i had lost cntrol of myself emotionally and otherwise. Fast forward almost 2months later i get a random holiday msg from him, i wasn't even sure i wanted to respond. I simply acknowledged receipt of the message and sd nothing else. As a 100% single person now and after having reflected on my own faults during that period and on past errors i realized i was allowing relationships to be run on other people's terms. If anyone wants to be a part of my life they will have to respect my wishes and come at me more definitively. An error i had repeatedly made and realized during the no contact period. There were habits i have walked away from too and my outlook on relationships has changed and i have made very visible changes to my appearance to fit ME. Anyone fearing no contact i say pray about it daily, feel watever u need to privately, but u wil be glad u stood by this process when the time is up.

Today going on 2 months without real interaction with that ex, i feel like i have made so many positive changes to my life alone and all that i had become slave to i have freed myself. His opinion that mattered so much is now beyond irrelevant. I no longer have the anger, regrets or bitterness i felt initially. I simply a doing me one day at a time. Yes i don't have much going on outwardly and socially, but internally i feel so much more im control. Learning to love myself more daily.

Its not to say my heart is shut on him, i am open to starting over if he approaches me correctly however i do not live by that hope or expectation anymore.

Am i steadily progressing towards my soul's growth?

Two months ago i had a lot of stress, anger and confusion. I NEEDED clarity, i NEEDED to feel love, i was insecure, i was needy. My self esteem was lost completely. I felt like the   company i kept thought less of me, cldnt claim me, i felt i had to become someone else to be accepted fully. I was irresponsible with my drinking and am paid for it.

Fast forward today, i have learnt to take time for myself. Once a week i take an evening of relaxation and reflect on nothing for the heck of it. I have allowed myself to feel all those negative feelings till i got tired of feeling them and HAD to shift that.

My eagerness to party is next to nil. I really don't drink anymore. I will have one or two celebratory drinks with family or friends but its no longer my thing. I have genuinely began to enjoy my own company and men are no longer a source for my happiness. I am shifting from holding onto past hurts to simply leaving it to God and praying. I am learning to listen whenever communicated to. I take ownership of my faults, and mosy importantly i feel more love for myself.

The very fact that i have reared from sexual needs means spiritually i am reclaiming my soul. It took my being violated by someone i loved to realize my soul is special. I am learning to do things for ME again. To do everything i want when i want, even reclaiming past personal goals, big, small or stupid.

I feel that truly my soul has grown to a whole different level.

I have lost friends, realized those i thought were friends really weren't and have found a new appreciation for the real pple in my life

Personal esteem building goals

Breast enlargement is number ONE
Flatten belly
Tattoo

Its actually going to be achieved in reverse order. Tattoo is going to be first

My long term goals:

I will do everything i can to achieve these goals i have set. I realize the road may not be smooth but i will not allow obstacles to keep me down:
And these are in no particular chronological order ~

- Find true love and companionship (doesn't have to necessarily be marriage. I wouldn't mind having another child with the right person. I see my daughter yearns for a sibling.

- I will own a townhouse. My ideal one will have a car garage, two bathrooms and patio or yard. Why a townhouse not a single family home? I grew up in a big home. I dont see the need for excessive space. I like the coziness of a townhouse and a lot of times the communities have interesting esthetics that require little maintenance.

-I will drive a Mercedes Benz. I just love that car. I have celebrated many pple purchasing them and always wished i had one.

-I will end up in my ultimate satisfying career position. Im not particularly business minded and i do prefer the security of being employed particularly for the health benefits, retirement benefits and just the stability and less time committing as i do treasure my personal and social time which a jon allows you. I cld embark on a side hustle if one works but not as a primary source of income.
-My child will succeed. I may not have the financial means to have her (or them) go the most expensive schools, however with available resources i will ensure the education provided will provide a pathway to longterm success. I want my child to live a better life than i have had. I will openly teach her and let her know the mistakes i made so she is well informed to be a better woman.

Day 30: Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

Dear love,

I have waited so long for you, stumbled upon many rocks, been cut by many knives and shed many tears in my pursuit of you. It was however. A result of all that turmoil that i became the woman you met. I am ready to embrace you and us in ways i was unable to before. Due to my self love i am able to love you without conflict. To embrace and enjoy our journey together.

Many came and left. Many used and abused me. They were all learning lessons i had to go through to become the whole woman i am today. Had you met me before, i was clouded by insecurities, fear and anger. I overcame all that. I will preface by saying however i am not perfect like any human being, however i am doing everything i can to be the best version of me ever.

I hope we get to travel together, spend endless hours on the phone, dance together as well as simply enjoy each other's company. I hope we can share each other's dreams, pick each other up when one is falling, never walk away or abandon each other when mistakes are made~  but instead learn together.

It is my hope that my daughter may look uo to you as a role model male present in her life and that she may realize that not all men leave. It is my hope that when i am weak you may be my pillar and you understand i am a sensitive person. It is my hope that we apologize when wrongs are done and move on and never dwell on negativity. It is also my hope that our companionship may be a great partnership for great endings.

Please realize as much as we are all human and love intimacy, sex is not the premise of our union. Being attracted to you is a great feeling physically but it doesn't define who we are. I want us to connect on deeper levels.

Lastly if you ever have to leave, please be kind enough as to let me know and not abandon me.

I want to love you wholly and i hope you will love me too. Material things will never be a priority.

Lets enjoy each other and our journey.

Love,

Me

Day 29: Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.

I do not have any close friends who i met via any social medium. I am active on all those channels however have never been one to develop relationships with people i have never met. I prefer the old fashioned way of meeting and developing friendships.

Day 28: Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.

The move from Indianapolis in September 30, 2011. I knew nobody, didn't know where we were going to stay in Pennsylvania. All i had was a job. Between me and poverty all i had was about $135. The car had died a couple
Days before, but i still packed up with my daughter and we left.

I had decided i was no longer going to exist as a slave to my painful, embarrassing and humiliating past. I was done living for men and people and was ready to face life alone as i wanted. All i knew was God would make sure we'd be fine as long as i had a job and a car.

Day 27: Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.

One thing i love about myself is i have a very determined spirit. If i want something, in a strange sort of way, i dont ever give up on it. I try anything to make it happen. I do the research required to achieve it and i will fight to get it with all the information i have.

I am not scared of anything or possible obstacles i will persevere until i get it. I think its that persistent attitude along with my faith in God that has landed me a lot of what i have achieved and will achieve in future.

I do not give up or get discouraged easily. And pain, hardship.... I face it head on and creatively make it thru. I am a very strong independent person in that regard

Day 26: Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why

The song "Next time around" by TGT . It takes me to a dark place. I have no desire to listen to it.

Reason being it reminds me of the last dude i was seeing, when he sent me a text from overseas telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship with me. I had never heard that in my life and its the worst kind of rejection ever. I was a mess. Its like someone saying ur kool but not for me.

I should have listened and let him go then cos what followed wa months and months of the reminder that he wasn't and would never be until he finally walked off completely. Ots a painful song for me to hear bottom. Reminds me of the pain,  loss and regrets i have.

It reminds me of the many times he disappeared, with no warning, no explanation. Bottom line we were never in a relationship and basically u can hope one day he wld have been is what the song said to me.

Day 25: Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?

Right before i moved from Indy, i saw an add on craigslist a lady was looking for baby clothes for a boy.  I had some from the collections id got from the church ladies and Sam that i had no use for. I called her and gave her the stuff. Seeing her in her raggedy car and two babies in the back made me realize i had done a wonderful deed. She really needed any help i could tell. It felt fulfilling blessing her with what id been blessed with. Even though it wasn't much

Day 24: If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?

The ONE day (in my relationship life) that i would love to relive would be 09/26/2014. I was in Miami. Me and the guy i was seeing spent all day in the hotel room together. We then went to south beach, had lunch, then went onto the beach. We swam in the ocean together, we laid on the beach for about 3hours under the sunset. I gave him a massage, gave him head (:) he fell asleep. After that we bought liquor went back to our room, played music. He danced i danced. It was like the world had stopped that day....those are the moments about that situation i wished were going to be relived again forever. That day was truly surreal.

The one thing id change about that day is the stupid fight we had at the end of the night. He got mad that i took a selfie of him while he was passed out. He thought id post it on social media. I honestly wld have never done that. It was just for fun. That spoilt the test of our stay and we hardly spoke till a couple days after we got back separately.

Little did i know that was the beginning of the real end. I changed my IG page after that, i stopped taking pics of him after that. It just started to make me question why he didn't want to claim me publicly. It really became the final pivotal point for me when i think about it.

Day 23: Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)

Lol this is funny. A couple days ago a friend of mine texts me and asks if i can keep a secret. So here i am wallowing about my break up and it really wasn't my better days. So im like sure what. She is married by the way. So she's like im expecting a baby, im 14 weeks! For some reason i got sooo annoyed. I asked myself so what do u want me to do with that information? Throw u a baby shower? Blow a whistle? It just wasn't the happy news i wanted to hear at that moment given my own personal failings in love.

I did congratulate her however. What cld i do? Lucky her.

My best friend a few days prior had sent me pics of gifts her man sent her. I got so sad. This man wants to marry her, travels borders for her. I thought why cant i get that man too? The man who wants me for the longterm? The man who accepts me for who i am. The man who stays.

Day 22: What fictional character in a movie or tv show do u identify with?

Carrie Bradshaw in sex and the city... i believe i am her because i am on the unscripted path searching and hoping for love. Believing one of these men i meet will be the love of my life with whom i will overcome numerous obstacles with as means to our everlasting love like her and Mr. Bigg.

I take let downs in love super hard too.

I am also a loyal friend, who even though i may have a messy twisted meaningless lovelife a lot of times, i am always happy and excited when my friends find it.

I like what i like and when i go for it i indulge like she loved shoes and to her purses.

Day 21: How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network

I would make it about single parenting and chronicle the real life of a single mother. From dating, financial, social as well as emotional issues. I feel there isn't enough material out there as a resource to really give a clear picture of what the reality of single parenting is. Id have several other women or men be part of it.

Id have it on Bravo.

Day 20: describe your most difficult break up and what you learnt from it?

I want to say the one when my daughter's father abandoned me at pregnancy, although i am going through another devastating one right now... ill address both.

With the first one he was cheating on me the entire time. I cheated on my husband with him, and he made this noise about how we were meant to be together. It was a whirlwind of cheating the whole time.....
Anyway the final end was exactly how it was going to end. In major heartache. The rejection was horrible, the humiliation i felt watching him move on in my face when i struggled with his baby. I lost friends. His family rejected me. It sucked. To this day he trauma of that abandonment still rests within my soul. I still fear every man will leave me. I dont know if love exists for me.

My biggest lesson with him was just because you love someone it never means that love will be returned. I also learnt just how strong i am. It was a VERY difficult few yrs for me. but i found a way to move on and forgive and let it GO. I accepted my life as it existed.

The recent one didnt involve cheating however it was a lot of emotional manipulation. I am soooo broken. I have regrets. I hurt. I feel like i wasted my time amd energy.

What i learnt this time round was when they show u who they are initially believe them. The very first time he went to Florida with his "ex" and wasnt in touch for days i should have known to walk away. He was a selfish bully. Its not enough for a man to have an impressive resume or material things. Love is a feeling not hard to feel if its real. I capitalized on a wish. Nothing about that guy was deep. Anytime i expressed pain, he wrote it off and turned it around and demeaned me. Just believe them when they show u who they are. Security in a relationship should never have to be begged for. If u find urself there walk away cos that person will write u off for anything. Today i believe i had a drinking problem because of something he said to me. I believe im not lovable cos of his actions. Just believe them.

No relationship without security will last. That was my biggest lesson. I will never sacrifice for love ever again. My home will forever be off limits until someone makes. Me feel safe. I am tired of being ran all over. Again i learnt love will not always be returned. Just be cautious who u let into your life. This time round i know not to bring anyone around my child anymore and to simply respect myself more. Love is nothing one needs to ever chase.

Those have been my harshest lessons 

My self esteem is completely down the drain cos of the way he just presented how ridiculou . I was in the alcoholic outburst i went in. That wasn't me. But he chose to hold onto that to be his reason for walking away. The bottoom line he got joy out of putting me down and its been horrible. I know who i am and at the end of the day of someone can't forgive a wrong, the love was never strong. I meant no hurt. 

Day 19: What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

My health condition. I don't talk about it, its none of anyone's business because bottom line is im fine. Its a part of me but by no means who i am. I have no desire to be judged or to have the world worry about me, hence only the relevant professionals are aware of it. I do what i am supposed to to maintain mu wellbeing and have such a positive attitude there's no need to mess with that .

I have this talent for doing hair. 95% of the time the hairstyles i have i do myself. I really believe that is a gift God gave me and i sometimes think about developing it. I just dont have the right resources or assistance to embark on that. It comes so naturally to me and most pple think i pay for my hair. I may the first time then i can attempt it myself usually.

Day 18: if you could have a conversation with yourself in high school what would it be?

If i could go back and converse with my high school self (around 1996 to be precise) the conversation would be:

"Love yourself. Men do not complete you. There is nothing that a man will give you that you cannot give yourself except stress and diseases. Wait for sex. It is not that serious. Just because your friends are doing it doesn't mean you have to. You know your value. Keep it. Obey your parents. Do npt eny what your friends claim to be the kool life. Your life is cool enough staying at home and doing what keeps you safe. Always hold onto your faith. You want to be a doctor. Pursue that dream. Do not let anyone tell you you cannot do it. Yes u can. "

This made me choke up.....

If i could redo life. But is it really too late???mmmm

Day 17: What Are Your Spiritual Beliefs and How Do They Impact Your Relationships/Relationship Status?

I believe in God, i believe He never puts us through anything we cannot handle. I also believe that God puts pple in our lives for a reason even though that reason may not be welcomed. I also believe anything worth having is worth fighting for. Through daily prayer over the years i have seen God provide me with EVERYTHING i have ever badly asked for whether it was right when i asked or in His own time.

That being said my beliefs have enabled me to accept people as they are brought into my life. Yes at times it has been a painful experience but once i open my heart up, i believe God put them there and so i always try to make the situation work whatever challenges may come with it. Sometimes it has been worth it, a lot of times obviously it hasnt as i am still single and constantly being heartbroken. I have also come to realize that no matter how much love you feel for someone, that may never be reciprocated and its ok to say to God i did my best, please help me move on. I have come through very disappointing and painful situations repeatedly, giving more than i get back and a lot of it has been due to my belief that Love exists. I dont give up, cos God says never give up. I have also learnt how strong i am as an individual when i look back at my life experiences. I always find ways to heal myself spiritually and i can honestly say i have never fallen apart.

I also feel that due to my open acceptance and open heart to people, i have been blessed in other ways, not necessarily in love so far.

My Dream

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Day 16: If You Planted a Time Capsule Right Now To Be Opened in 20 Years, What Would Be In It?

Mmmmmm 20 yrs. Thats a hella good one.

Well I'll put the things i hope to achieve so here goes:
Ill be a happily married woman with probably another little one
Living in a cute home
Driving a Mercedes Benz C-220
Working as an Analyst or Financial Associate
Living somewhere in south Florida
Shami in College (preferably Georgetown or Notre Dame)
The little one in a catholic school somewhere

These are basically my dreams and hopes that i am now aiming to achieve and 20yrs is a good amount of time to make it all happen.

Its kinda scary when u think of the mortality of life though. But hey thats part of our existence.

Day 15: Narrate a Conversation Between You and Someone Who You Never Had Closure With

Its a girlfriend i used to roll with a lot when i moved to my now homecity. We had a stupid falling out over......yes a man who none of us can even ever claim. She maliciously accused me of something and went so far as to admit to gossiping about the accusation.

This past saturday she hit me up trying to come up with a "party move" its just not the same. The conversations are very one word. I just reaponded politely and let the conversation simmer. I feel like her window of opportunity to make things right passed and it had become an increasingly exhaustive friendship. For a couple months i missed our fun moments as she truly was the only person i had known when i moved, but i think her season was up. I thank her for introducing me to sooooo much in the social scene locally but i think it was time for me to use my own wings and fly solo.

There's been many lonely moments cos i have nobody to really joke with or a constant drinking buddy the way me and her were, but life is moving on. Ive become my own roll dog and i know eventually ill meet new pple who probably will be a better fit for my life.

We have never discussed what took us south. I chose not to as i feel her malicious accusations were a reflection of what she had always thought of me.

Day 14: Describe the Last Moment You Felt Really, Truly Blissful

On 09/26/2014--- on the beach in south beach Miami under the sunset with nothing but the ocean waves and the sky and the person i cared for a lot.... that was one moment when i truly felt like the world halted for a few hours. We enjoyed the ocean swimming, then we laid there quietly with our music and liquor. It was complete utter bliss at a much needed moment.

Moments that one always treasures. Particularly when things go south. There's always something better and memorable to remember

Day 13: Describe How You Met the Last Person You Texted & Talk About Your Relationship

The last person i texted was The person i now call Selfish_insensitive..... we met at a club when i was randomly on one of my solo dates.... fast forward months later initially this person felt like the missing link in my life, the soul mate id been praying for, the answer God gave to my prayers. I thanked God daily for having met this person. The friendship felt right.... today i Increasingly i question God on this. This person has treated me with such insensitivity that at times i look back and ask myself wasn't i better off before.

They say never live your life regretting however when a person takes you down a familiar road that feeling is hard to disregard or ignore.

I have endlessly attempted to remove myself from his life and he finds new selfish hurtful ways to worm himself back in.

We have had some great times socially. However the emotional turmoil is increasingly becoming something i feel i can do without the entire friendship. It messes with my life flow. It creates insecurities, anger and it invokes immense pain.

My last text to him was to ask him to kindly either come at me correct or please stay out of my life.

Day 12: What is Your Proudest Accomplishment?

Being a single mother...
I have surpassed all odds, made things hppen many struggle to, made it through immense heartbreak and rejection, financially there has been truly unbelievable lows. God however and my strength and perseverence has got me through it and still does.

Its the one thing i can truly say i have been successful at. My baby was never a problem child, i figured out schedules from day one and truly all i have planned and hoped for her has happened. Everywhere i've been ive been blessed to meet people who have made the process seamless. I am able to have an active social life when finances allow as i consistently have been blessed with a reliable, affordable and trustworthy network of babysitters. This has definitely allowed me to live what i can truly say is a full life that many single mothers aren't able to experience. The biggest plus is my baby has never been one to have issue with the several carers ive placed her with.

I successfully got her through daycare, potty trained. On a sleep schedule and she does good in school so far and moreover i cannot say i have behavioral issues with her at all

Single parenting, and mothering as a whole as been my greatest accomplishment.

I sometimes wonder or silently hope i can experience the childbirth experience again conventionally with a companion. But it truly isn't a priority as i am happy with the one child God healthily blessed me conventionally ESPECIALLY given my health and all odds associated. I have got to fully experience what it is to be a woman.