Things i love and had forgotten

Neo soul music
Being healthy
TV
Laughing
Traveling

Thanksgiving... wlda been exactly a year yesterday.

No contact....

Embarked on this in october. He made the random attempt to contact me yesterday.., this is my take cos ordinarily it wld have spiraled me into a stupid frenzy of unnecessary responding.

This process truly works. Embarked on it in October and at first it was truly difficult. After months in an emotionally exhausting and confusing situation i pulled the plug on it. Of course he tried the customary comeback and i made it clear i didn't appreciate that. Yes it was someone i had believed might have been an long term option however i had lost cntrol of myself emotionally and otherwise. Fast forward almost 2months later i get a random holiday msg from him, i wasn't even sure i wanted to respond. I simply acknowledged receipt of the message and sd nothing else. As a 100% single person now and after having reflected on my own faults during that period and on past errors i realized i was allowing relationships to be run on other people's terms. If anyone wants to be a part of my life they will have to respect my wishes and come at me more definitively. An error i had repeatedly made and realized during the no contact period. There were habits i have walked away from too and my outlook on relationships has changed and i have made very visible changes to my appearance to fit ME. Anyone fearing no contact i say pray about it daily, feel watever u need to privately, but u wil be glad u stood by this process when the time is up.

Today going on 2 months without real interaction with that ex, i feel like i have made so many positive changes to my life alone and all that i had become slave to i have freed myself. His opinion that mattered so much is now beyond irrelevant. I no longer have the anger, regrets or bitterness i felt initially. I simply a doing me one day at a time. Yes i don't have much going on outwardly and socially, but internally i feel so much more im control. Learning to love myself more daily.

Its not to say my heart is shut on him, i am open to starting over if he approaches me correctly however i do not live by that hope or expectation anymore.

Am i steadily progressing towards my soul's growth?

Two months ago i had a lot of stress, anger and confusion. I NEEDED clarity, i NEEDED to feel love, i was insecure, i was needy. My self esteem was lost completely. I felt like the   company i kept thought less of me, cldnt claim me, i felt i had to become someone else to be accepted fully. I was irresponsible with my drinking and am paid for it.

Fast forward today, i have learnt to take time for myself. Once a week i take an evening of relaxation and reflect on nothing for the heck of it. I have allowed myself to feel all those negative feelings till i got tired of feeling them and HAD to shift that.

My eagerness to party is next to nil. I really don't drink anymore. I will have one or two celebratory drinks with family or friends but its no longer my thing. I have genuinely began to enjoy my own company and men are no longer a source for my happiness. I am shifting from holding onto past hurts to simply leaving it to God and praying. I am learning to listen whenever communicated to. I take ownership of my faults, and mosy importantly i feel more love for myself.

The very fact that i have reared from sexual needs means spiritually i am reclaiming my soul. It took my being violated by someone i loved to realize my soul is special. I am learning to do things for ME again. To do everything i want when i want, even reclaiming past personal goals, big, small or stupid.

I feel that truly my soul has grown to a whole different level.

I have lost friends, realized those i thought were friends really weren't and have found a new appreciation for the real pple in my life

Personal esteem building goals

Breast enlargement is number ONE
Flatten belly
Tattoo

Its actually going to be achieved in reverse order. Tattoo is going to be first

My long term goals:

I will do everything i can to achieve these goals i have set. I realize the road may not be smooth but i will not allow obstacles to keep me down:
And these are in no particular chronological order ~

- Find true love and companionship (doesn't have to necessarily be marriage. I wouldn't mind having another child with the right person. I see my daughter yearns for a sibling.

- I will own a townhouse. My ideal one will have a car garage, two bathrooms and patio or yard. Why a townhouse not a single family home? I grew up in a big home. I dont see the need for excessive space. I like the coziness of a townhouse and a lot of times the communities have interesting esthetics that require little maintenance.

-I will drive a Mercedes Benz. I just love that car. I have celebrated many pple purchasing them and always wished i had one.

-I will end up in my ultimate satisfying career position. Im not particularly business minded and i do prefer the security of being employed particularly for the health benefits, retirement benefits and just the stability and less time committing as i do treasure my personal and social time which a jon allows you. I cld embark on a side hustle if one works but not as a primary source of income.
-My child will succeed. I may not have the financial means to have her (or them) go the most expensive schools, however with available resources i will ensure the education provided will provide a pathway to longterm success. I want my child to live a better life than i have had. I will openly teach her and let her know the mistakes i made so she is well informed to be a better woman.

Day 30: Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

Dear love,

I have waited so long for you, stumbled upon many rocks, been cut by many knives and shed many tears in my pursuit of you. It was however. A result of all that turmoil that i became the woman you met. I am ready to embrace you and us in ways i was unable to before. Due to my self love i am able to love you without conflict. To embrace and enjoy our journey together.

Many came and left. Many used and abused me. They were all learning lessons i had to go through to become the whole woman i am today. Had you met me before, i was clouded by insecurities, fear and anger. I overcame all that. I will preface by saying however i am not perfect like any human being, however i am doing everything i can to be the best version of me ever.

I hope we get to travel together, spend endless hours on the phone, dance together as well as simply enjoy each other's company. I hope we can share each other's dreams, pick each other up when one is falling, never walk away or abandon each other when mistakes are made~  but instead learn together.

It is my hope that my daughter may look uo to you as a role model male present in her life and that she may realize that not all men leave. It is my hope that when i am weak you may be my pillar and you understand i am a sensitive person. It is my hope that we apologize when wrongs are done and move on and never dwell on negativity. It is also my hope that our companionship may be a great partnership for great endings.

Please realize as much as we are all human and love intimacy, sex is not the premise of our union. Being attracted to you is a great feeling physically but it doesn't define who we are. I want us to connect on deeper levels.

Lastly if you ever have to leave, please be kind enough as to let me know and not abandon me.

I want to love you wholly and i hope you will love me too. Material things will never be a priority.

Lets enjoy each other and our journey.

Love,

Me

Day 29: Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.

I do not have any close friends who i met via any social medium. I am active on all those channels however have never been one to develop relationships with people i have never met. I prefer the old fashioned way of meeting and developing friendships.